If Illegal Immigrants Are Undocumented Immigrants, Then Poachers Are Undocumented Hunters

By Leon Kolankiewicz, CAPS Senior Writing Fellow
October 11, 2010

In his brilliant 1946 essay “Politics and the English Language,” George Orwell famously wrote, “In our time, political speech and writing are largely the defense of the indefensible.”

Indeed, at this time, a prime example of defending the indefensible is when advocates for illegal immigrants – and their sympathizers in the mainstream media – insist on calling them by the euphemism “undocumented immigrants,” as if their papers had simply been misplaced by incompetent bureaucrats or chewed up by the dog.

To me, an undocumented immigrant is someone whose passport, visa or green card has been stolen or lost. It is not someone who snuck across our borders under cover of night or remains and works without permission in America once his/her tourist visa has expired. It is certainly not someone who stole a Social Security number or acquired a false identity.

Of course, the clear intent of rebranding "illegals" as "undocumented" is to propagate the false notion that illegal, oops, “undocumented” immigrants have every bit as much right to remain in America as legal immigrants, or for that matter, as citizens. It’s just that their missing or defective documents need to be coughed into existence or spruced up.

After all, they are “citizens of the world” within this post-nation-state New World Order that supposedly prevails across the planet now in the New Millennium. Borders, national sovereignty and national identity are as quaint as girdles, land lines, slide rules or camera film...and national anthems or pledges of allegiance.

And of course, as the chant goes in Spanish, “Ningún ser humano es ilegal.” (No human being is illegal.) Moreover, according to this worldview, America – stolen from indigenous nations – is illegitimate anyway, so stealing it back via reconquista is fair play. Of course, vanquished noble tribes like the Aztecs were never guilty of subjugation, colonization or imperialism themselves.

If generous and gullible Americans are now ready to embrace mass amnesty and furnish those misplaced documents to our friendly illegal immigrant neighbors, I have some suggestions as to how certain other illicit individuals and activities might be rebranded so as to make them more palatable to the body politic:
  • Illegal parking is merely undocumented parking, and should not be ticketed.
  • Speeding is merely surpassing arbitrary speed limits without the proper documents.
  • “Breaking and entering” is merely undocumented visitation.
  • Poachers are merely undocumented hunters.
  • Party crashers are merely undocumented guests.
  • Shoplifting is merely undocumented acquisition.
  • Squatters are merely undocumented residents.
  • Trespassers and invaders are merely undocumented visitors.
  • Industrial polluters are merely undocumented dischargers.
Clearly, if undocumented immigrants warrant no sanction or penalty, because they are merely seeking better lives for themselves and their families, then neither do industrial polluters. After all, these captains of industry are providing jobs and products that people need.

Ah, but you say, undocumented immigrants harm no one, and perform work that Americans won’t. Even noted immigration expert and occasional funnyman Stephen Colbert said so in his recent congressional testimony. Polluters, on the other hand, recklessly and callously threaten public health.

But try telling that fib about the jobs those lazy Americans won’t do to the millions of Americans out of work. Who do those uppity natives think they are, rejecting Third World wages and working conditions? Haven’t they realized that this is the reality of the New World Order? Unless they’re willing to slave away for peanuts, they’ll have to continue to watch jobs snatched from under their noses by foreigners or be sent overseas to foreigners.

In the acrimonious national debate over what to do about illegal immigration, it behooves us first and foremost, to call a spade a spade and not a heart. Unless we simply want to refer to poachers as undocumented hunters too. But dealing with illegal activities simply by legalizing all of them would be nothing less than capitulation to the centrifugal forces of entropy and anarchy.

By the way, the purpose of this column is not to pick on vulnerable, desperate illegal migrants, who are exploited by everyone from unscrupulous American employers to vicious Mexican narcotraficantes. Rather, it is to slam the defenders of this indefensible practice, who, by aiding and abetting lawlessness, are indirectly responsible for the recent massacre of more than 70 Central American migrants by ruthless drug traffickers in Mexico, and countless other atrocities. The road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions.

Leon Kolankiewicz is a consulting wildlife biologist and environmental planner whose professional career spans a quarter-century, three countries and more than 30 states.